I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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