My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
