I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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