is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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