your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
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