Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
