I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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