We're like a lot better than the average bears
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
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