i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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