My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
