I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
