I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
