You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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