so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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