hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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