I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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