Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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