try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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