so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize