As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
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