i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize