Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
