Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
