Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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