Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
