u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
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