I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
