Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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