3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
