someone get that fucking seahorse.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
