you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
