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Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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