im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
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