I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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