made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
