apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
