Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
