This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
The beer is more important than you right now.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
