fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
The beer is more important than you right now.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
