the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
