I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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