He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I'm experimenting with sincerity
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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