Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
