I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
