i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
