Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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