Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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