at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
