Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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