Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
