Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
