omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
did i just pee glitter
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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