The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize
