You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
